I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
These aliens are taking forever.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Lmaoo 😂
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT