(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
You Might Also Like
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey