Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Broom by every window for quick escape.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child