people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
couldn’t resist
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Can’t. About to go please some beans
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.