RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.