According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m not proud
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.