I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’m aging like a fine banana
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Does this dress make me look cat?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Writing, She Murdered.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year