A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”