Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
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There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
What?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
#Caturday
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird