Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Weighing up my bread heating options
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad