I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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This is my cat’s medicine.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Bed should get ready for ME
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..