STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.