Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
o shit
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!