I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Help Wanted
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
❤️🦆
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Monday?
No. Next question.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*