The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself