Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan