According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER