My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
This a good idea
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good