Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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But is it really??
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Can. I. Help. You.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.