Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
What the hell happened here.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Why font matters.