I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”