Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.