Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe