The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
A friend sent me this.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!