I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast