Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree