If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.