Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?