If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you