We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire