Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You Might Also Like
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.