It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
You Might Also Like
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?