can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Teach your children to beatbox
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent