Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*