My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Admin smashed it 😂
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m having an out of money experience.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.