If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better