Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it