Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you鈥檙e asleep.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it鈥檚 the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it鈥檚 the vodka
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[interview]
Your r茅sum茅 says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.