My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The booster protects against what, now?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.