Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Nice try, NASA
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?