*pokes sex life with a stick
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet