The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
i hope my email finds you on fire
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose