me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol