I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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ugh not again
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay