I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
New Tinder profile.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack