The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere