The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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(True)
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.