I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
can’t bark with your mouth full
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.