i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
This meal prepping shit easy
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.