sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Hitlers gonna hitl
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question